Thoughts of an Estranged Girl

Spending the valentines with my friends made me realize that I’m healed. The pain is still around but it’s not bugging me anymore like it used to. It’s not hurting me and tormenting me every time it can. I thought I was going to spend the day crying for missing one person whom I had a good time last valentines and for wanting to be with that person. But I was wrong because I didn’t do so. Instead, I went out with my friends and had fun.

A week before valentines I dreaded the day to come. I feared being alone and lonesome. I thought I was going to break down again. But I was wrong, I made it through the day happy.

For a second he entered my mind but he didn’t longer than he should. I just had a flash of him on my memory, he was smiling at me with his loving eyes and that was it he was gone. When that happened I felt a tingle of pain but I was happy. I had a smile painted on my face whole night after that. Now I know whatever would happen I could smile, no matter how his ways are hurting me.

There would be days that I’m going to be thinking of him, missing him but those days won’t be as seldom as it used to be. There will be times when I will be longing for him but I won’t be desperately doing things to bug him I will be able to keep that to myself. There would be moments that I would remember our past but I won’t be crying anymore instead I would be smiling for all those good times.

Now I’m confident about myself I know I’ll have the courage to face the pain whenever it hits me. I’m not scared anymore nor am I grieving still. I am done weeping over my spilled milk. Only the scars are left now, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. Every time I remember the cause of those scars I pity myself no more, instead I’m proud of myself that they’re only scars now and not wounds that are bleeding.

I okay now I might even start talking to him again soon once I get the confidence too, I’ll reply to his messages. I guess what made me feel this way is because I already forgave myself for all that I’ve done. And I have already accepted that it’s over there’s nothing that I can do now would change was has happened and our current situation. I still long to be with him but I’m desperate to be with him. Whatever fate brings me I will gladly accept, with or with him I will be happy.

It’s been 5 months since we broke up. 5 months that we haven’t communicated or stuff like that, no nothing at all. But even if it’s been that long I still think about him and I’m still madly in love with him. I know I should be moving on but that just doesn’t seem to work for me. The more I try to forget him the more he enters my mind, leaving me in pain afterwards.

Now I’m done lying to myself about the truth that is right on my hand, slapping me every time I try to lie to myself. I now accept the fact that no matter what I do I’ll never fall in love again with someone else like the way I fell for him, and that he’ll always own my heart no matter what. Instead of denying myself of feeling the pain by diverting my attention to my work and studies I now welcome it. I care not about what others say to me now, I’m done faking being happy, I’ve had enough of these lies. It’s high time the I learn to face what I’ve been avoiding for so long. I am through with my cowardice.

Breaking down and standing up afterwards would be hard, but I must do this for me to be able to face that which is ahead of me more courageously. I have all the time I want for me to cry and grieve over my loss, since then I’m far away from my family and friends. And that is what exactly I will do, in this corner that I’ve found where I have the privacy to do everything I want I will mourn until I’ve had enough and until I get the motivation to stand up again.

Perhaps this is what I need for me to have a proper closure on something that’s been over a long time ago. Perhaps this is the reason why I can’t move on because I haven’t really mourned about it nor have I paid too much attention on it which is why it keeps on bugging me every time I am not occupied with my work, studies, friends or family. Though what I’m planning to do is risky for my health I care nonetheless if this is what it takes for me to be free.

I would never be free from loving him for I would never be able to stop loving him I’m sure of that, but I at least might free myself from blaming myself for my loss. That’s what’s making things hard for me, every time I think of us and what happened over and over I blame myself for it. Though both parties should be blamed for it I take most of the blame for I know it was my fault anyways. Most of my family and friends would scold me for this but then I know in the end since they couldn’t stop me they’ll just say go and get over it quickly. I’m glad that I get to have all the moral support that I need and I’m sorry that I won’t be heeding their advice. And we all know that I have to do this for my own good for no matter how they try to help me if I don’t help myself it would be no good.

I will release the emotions that I have kept locked up for 5 months and allow it to take over me. I would stay away from everyone for sometime so that I wouldn’t be able to harm anyone on the process. I will go through this on my own so that someday when I look back I maybe able to tell myself “Hey, look at you, you made it on your own, there’s nothing you can’t go through.” And that I may be proud of myself. I will never be able to get over him that’s for sure.

I’ll always love him and he’ll always have that part in me, that part of me which is now empty since he left, I’m pretty sure of that. I won’t be able to forget him by doing this but I will be able to forgive myself and stop blaming myself for what happened. I would be able to free myself from all the pain that’s bothering me. I could then stop hurting and punishing myself for something that I could never undo.

Though I’m racing with time I will take this slowly. I will savor every thread of pain running through my veins, I will relish every ounce of pain that’s crushing my heart. Yes ironic and crazy I know but such would do me good. For then afterwards I will be stronger having won over such. I am confident that I will be braver in whatever struggle it is that would come. I don’t know how long this would take me but I’ll surely be over this before I take another step. As for now I’ll stay in exactly where I am right now for then I’m afraid of committing another mistake, of making another damage if I make another move brining my pain with me. Once a make the next step, by then I’m completely in control of myself and that my pain would be a history.

Which is why for now I will put everything aside and give myself time to mourn. Afterwards I will continue the task which is expected of me. I will obey my parents and do what they want me to do. I’ll try to be a better daughter, grand daughter, sister and cousin. I’ll do what it takes to help everyone out. I’ll be a better person. Just for this one last time I’ll be selfish and drown myself over my sorrow afterwards I’ll be selfless. I’ll put everything behind me and bury it in the darkest corner of my memory. I will grieve and after my lament I will let fate decide on my destiny.

Though I still hope that someday fate would bring us back to each other, I will not protest over what will be given to me. Whatever will happen next I will accept whole heartedly.

All night I watched a movie about love, a fairy tale that came true on the 20^th century. Fancy how I still wish for such to happen to me, when I do know that such would never happen now a day. Yet I still believe in fairy tales and that mine is still yet to start or it has but it has not reached its end. Up to this day I’ve been day dreaming about how my love story will end but then up to this day I’m still feeling the pain of my loss, I still cry for our break up and I still long for my ex. Yes we broke up 4 months ago and our story is one of those stories that has already ended and yet I’m still there all alone waiting that he’d come back to make a different ending with me. Foolish am I to think that way but what can I do I am in love. Since he left not a single feeling changed I am still madly in love with him like the way I have love him back when we were still together.

Tonight as I write this I am listening to a music made by Carter Burwell titled Bella’s lullaby used in the film Twilight. That movie which was also another fairy tale had a happy ending and it also showed true love just like what I have watched a couple of minutes ago which is The Prince and Me the Honeymoon. These movies have shown that even though we think that we have surpassed every obstacle in our relationship we are wrong we just thought so but what we don’t know is that there are still a lot of obstacles ahead of us. Everyday, every night this goes on I think of a fairy tale and compare my love story to one. Everyday I would go on and on thinking and telling myself that my story has not yet ended and that this which is happening right now, this which I am feeling right now is just a phase. Soon he will come back to me and love me again, love me more than he use to. I keep on telling myself our story is not yet over and that this is just another test that we have to go through and that we need to go through this to grow. And one day when we’re ready we’ll back in each others arm that’s what fate has installed for us.

Oh how I wish that is what fate has installed for us. That this is just a phase and that one day we will be together again for that is what I hold on to. That hope that someday we might be together again is what keeps me going. Just thinking of having to love someone else, of being away from him for good kills me and makes me want to kill myself good thing that there is still that fairy tale that gives me hope that hopefully someday we’ll be together again. I know we will because in my heart I feel it. As my tears fall down my heart screams rejection to what my mind is insisting. My mind is telling me that he is gone for good but my heart doesn’t believe that. My heart tells me that someday he will be back and I’m not rushing but I hope that someday would be soon because everyday without him is killing me. I’m trying to live my life but then I could never enjoy life for a part of me is lacking. And that part of me is him, I could never find contentment like I do whenever I’m in his arms. I could never tell how much I love him and I could not show him either for I am hundreds of miles away from him and he has a girlfriend now. All I could do is pray that someday he will come home to me. All I could do to prove to him and show him I love him is to wait, to wait endlessly. Yes foolish but I have chosen such for I would rather die than love someone else.

As I close my eyes tonight I pray that my fairy tale would happen soon. As my tears fall I wish that he’s heart would hear my hearts anguish and love me like he use to. As I dream I will dream of him like I always do how I wish my dreams would come true.

How long has been since we’ve broke up? It’s been 4 months and yet still here I am stuck loving him. No day passes by that I don’t think of you and all that we use to do. Until this day I have not yet started writing our love story for though it has ended I still hold on to that little hope that I have that someday when he gets tired of the game he will come back to me. And when we marry then that would be the happy ending of my fairytale. Everyday I think of this to be just a test another challenge that we have to go through before we get to our happy ending anyway fairy tales are like that aren’t they? The princess goes through pain and a lot of suffering before she ends up with her prince and live happily ever after. I think of our situation to be just like that now. I have neglected him and have abused his love that now I have to go through this pain just for me to realize what a great loss he is and that he is the right one for me. But then I woke up a little too late that when I opened my eyes he wasn’t there anymore. I guess I have made him wait too long to see that changed in me that he wanted for so long that he got tired waiting and he has lost hope. Perhaps he thought I would never change and would never wake up. But here I am wide awake, perfectly aware that I lost the man I love so much and the man who completes me, the man who I want to share the rest of my life with. The man who I want to grow old with and the man I will love for eternity.

It’s Sunday again and I still remember how we spend the day together. During the morning we would stay in our house and watch movies together. He would cuddle me as we watch the movie, giving me a quick kiss every now and then, or if he finds the movie boring he sleeps with his arms around me. If we have no movie to watch we would play with our computer. Around noon we would eat our lunch and if no one is around to cook lunch for us I would be the one to cook our meal while he’s behind me, hugging me. He washes the dishes afterwards or cleans my room if it’s messy. He’s more meticulous in the cleanliness of my room than me that he just cleans it whenever he sees it untidy. Then we take our nap or just do stupid things while waiting for the sun to come down. When it’s not hot in the afternoon we go to his favorite computer shop so he could play along with his friends. I would usually spend an hour or two with my sites and afterwards I just watch him while he playing. Then when he gets tired playing we hangout at my favorite coffee shop for sometime and search for new and interesting movies, then head home. He’d eat diner with me and stay for sometime then when it’s already late he goes home for he still had a class the next day.

During weekdays he drops by our house for lunch and then comes back in the afternoon to pick me up. We would then spend the afternoon at his favorite computer shop or with hangout with his friends. But then he usually prefers it to be just the two of us so we would go to his favorite computer shop and then to my favorite coffee shop or café afterwards. After that he would send me home and spend sometime at our house. By then I would help him with his assignments, term papers and projects. I didn’t want him to fail in any subject nor to have a low grade for I’m afraid that his mom would blame it on me. And I’m proud to say that he improved in his studies and graduated in high school with flying colors. Every Saturday he we would spend the day out with friends and just roam around the city. We would go home late and he’d stay over for the night. And that would be the only night in a week where I could sleep peacefully for I am in his arms. And I know that when I wake up he’d be beside me or he’d be wide awake watching me as I sleep.

Oh I miss those days when I was his girl. I miss those days when I get to be cuddled while watching a movie, when he puts his arms around my waist while I cook, when cleans my room and picks up my mess and tell me how to arrange my things. I miss those days when he worries about a wound even though it isn’t deep, or when he worries about an insect bite. When he would kiss my forehead and lay on my lap every time I am making his papers. When he arrives tired from school for lunch he’d grab me to my bed, lay me by his side and put his arms around me while he takes a quick nap. When he arrives bringing a surprise for me and it’s usually something that I crave for really badly. When he buys both movies that I want coz I can’t decide which to choose. I miss those days when he accompanies me wherever I go only leaving me when he knows I’m safe. I miss those days when he puts his arms around me while we’re riding a cab. When he holds my hands or puts an arm around me while we walk. I miss those days when he worries about my weight because I get thin everyday because of my work. I miss those days hen he worries about my studies because I am too stubborn to go to school. When he hangs out with me at my favorite coffee shop though he isn’t fond of coffee shops but he does because of me. I miss those days when I could lean on his shoulders while watching him play his favorite computer game. When I could access his sites and get hold of his phone. I miss those days when he would put his arms around me and proudly tell his friends that I’m his girl. I miss those days when I get to watch him while playing basketball or while his performing. I miss those days when he gives my cheek a peck just because he wants to out in public. I miss those days when we use to get fake tattoos and have our names written on each others body. I miss those days when he would get mad at me for my stubbornness then he kisses me afterwards. I miss those days when I could sit on his lap while he’s busy doing something or while we’re watching tv. I miss those days when he bothers me while I try to play the piano and while I learn how to play the guitar. I miss those days when I would make him sing because I feel bad. I miss those days when he would take care of me while I’m sick. I miss those nights when I get to sleep on his chest with his arms around me. I miss those times when he would make love with me and tell me he loves me all throughout the deed. I miss those nights when I get to watch him sleep and stare at his face intently kissing him every now and then. I miss those nights when he’d be awakened by my kiss that he’d give me a passionate kiss and make me sleep. I miss those days when I wake up and he’s there watching me as I sleep then when he sees that I’m awake he kisses my forehead. I miss those warm arms, that soft chest, those sweet lips and those loving eyes. I miss the days when they were still mine. I miss the way he loves me. I miss those days when I was still his girl, I miss being his girl.

Oh how I wish that this is just a nightmare and that I’d be awake with him by my side and my fairy tale about to reach its happy ending. How I wish that when I wake up I’d be his girl and he’d love me like he used to. For I badly want and miss being his girl.

Okay, so let’s say it’s foolish to still be crazily in love with my ex who broke up with me four months ago. Yes I know I should move on and that there are a lot of guys out there if I would only open myself. But then I refrain from seeing another guy for then I know that what I’m looking for I would not find them all in just one guy or in short I know that I would never find a guy like my ex. I know, I know that’s just wrong but then as of the moment if you would find me a date apparently the guy that I would be dating would just end up as a rebound and our date most likely would go well but then he would afterwards not want to date me again not because I did something awkward but rather because he finds me to be just a friend. He’ll soon enough find me to be a girl not ready for commitment and that I would be too strong for him. Yes that happens a lot guys usually find it intimidating to be with me because of my strong personality and as I have known most guys would want a girl who’s someone a bit on the soft side. But so much for that let’s go back to my hangover.

Okay now it’s been months since I’ve been writing these blogs and I just don’t have the time to put them on my accounts so everyone could read it. It’s not that I need some advice or something because an advice is the last thing that I need as of the moment. Yeah I know that I need to stop this and move on with my life, I do know too that most would give that advice to me. How do I know? How would I not know, I’ve been hearing that from all of my friends for months. They have all been telling me to move on with my life and hopefully someday if we are meant for each other they maybe he’ll come back to me or maybe not, it would be much better for me to just move on with my life and forget about him anyways he was a jerk to cheat on me. That is usually what my friends say. Don’t tell me I’ve been getting the wrong advice here but you see there’s no problem at all with my friends it’s just that I’m stubborn to listen to them. And so how does a girl like me go on with my everyday life?

For a girl who did not grow up with her mom. For a girl who is used to being alone and independent. For a girl who is used to think for herself. And for a girl who is used to listening to friends advices only, I think what my mom advised me is to me that best that I ever heard. Why is that so? Of all the people that I run to hers was the most unique and to be honest quite opposite of what others has been telling me. It was the first time that I ever got an advice from her and yet it was best that I got. What can I say, I guess the cliché that says “mothers knows best” is true then. So what did mom tell me? Here it goes, “It’s hard to move on and it’s not easy, unlike others I’m not going to tell you to move on I guess you have just had enough of that, rather I’m telling you to let the feeling stay until it goes away by itself. Forgetting someone you love is almost impossible to do but then being left alone you can’t live your life sulking over what is gone. Yes it’s another way of telling you to move on but other than that you should just get on with your life. You’re still young and knowing you and what you are capable of doing there’s still adventures for you to take and mysteries in life that you could unfold by not locking yourself up in your sanctuary. Go out and have fun you have all the right to enjoy yourself but don’t over do. As of the moment concentrate on your studies and in reaching your goals it would do you good. As for your affection towards that young man don’t force yourself in erasing it for the feeling itself would be gone once your heart gets tired. If it would not go away then that’s okay for then I have a hunch that the two of you would be together again but don’t put your hopes to high and don’t expect for it to happen for then that is just a hunch. Your heart would lead you to where it belongs and if it really belongs to that young man then the two of you be back in each others arms again someday for then as they say no one can stop true love. So while you’re in a state where in you could explore, go ahead you know your limitations. Don’t close yourself for possibilities of what could be a better relationship than what you have had but also don’t lie to yourself jut because you met a guy whom you think could be better than your last boyfriend, still listen to your heart. It hurts and you would not stop hurting not unless you get over him or you get back with him or you find someone else but that’s okay just feel your pain it would remind you of being human at times but then most of all it would remind you that once in your life you loved truly. If you feel that pain and you feel like crying, go ahead cry it’s better if you do but don’t over do for you know what its effect would do to you. If you can’t move on then don’t, just don’t let the pain hinder with your efforts to achieve your dreams. If it would then that would be time where you should force yourself to move on. But for the record don’t just concentrate on your studies and see what’ll happen next. In fact its better that you don’t move on just yet for knowing you, your love for him would stop you from doing foolishness and unwise actions, and it would also help you in focusing on your goals.”

That talk that I had with my mom really moved me for almost everyone that I knew then was telling me to move on and forget about my ex. But she didn’t in fact she reminded me of him a couple of times back when I went home for the holidays. And so here I am doing what she has told me, feeling my pain, longing for someone who I don’t know would ever come back to me. It’s been quite sometime now and I don’t know what I could have done if my mom did not give me that advice because up to this day as I’ve said awhile ago I’m still crazily in love with my ex. And loving him from afar is not easy. I tried to go out with other guys but then it didn’t work out a part of me is still looking for him and wants him not giving my date a chance. My mind being practical tells me to give every guy that I date a chance but my heart as stubborn as I am wouldn’t cooperate.

So here I am stuck loving my ex-boyfriend while there he goes enjoying his life with other girls. I guess he has totally forgotten about me and yet here I am still in love him after all that he’s said and done. I don’t know why I can’t get over him perhaps because it all just got broken in a snap and everything that I could think of whenever he enters my mind are good times. He left me with a lot of good memories that I find it hard to remember our bad times. He made me felt so loved that I am blaming myself for losing him for at some point I abused his love for me. And what do they say regrets come last. So as I wake up this morning my first thought is my ex and that I still love him that fact I should never and could never deny. I’m still hurting and it’s fine just like my mom said, I would go on with my life like I’m not bringing any burden in my heart and when I get back to this room to rest that’s when I could release all my emotions. I don’t know when this hangover will be gone or cured but then I think I’m still doing fine as of the moment thanks to my moms advice I haven’t done anything stupid as of the moment. And yeah she was right my love has helped me focus on my goals.

For months I’ve been battling with myself about whether or not there is something to jealous or insecure about her? I’m talking about my ex’s new girl. With the facts that I got about her, there really is nothing to be insecure about. But is there really none? This question has been running on my mind for four months now and I have all the facts to end this rubbish issue. Yet my heart is restless for then even though I think of everything I that I got that she doesn’t it still asks me, why? Why did the leave then if I’m better than her? Shouldn’t I be jealous of her, just because I’m far better than she is? Why then does she have the man that I love? Why then did he choose her over me?

Here’s a few of the things that shows I’m way better than her. She’s still a high school student who is bad in academics and so with sports, she’s lame. She doesn’t belong to the elite society rather her family is unknown to the society. Okay so I’m in college but still I haven’t graduated due to my laziness. I’m not that good in academics and sports but I do make sure I excel in it whenever I’m on it.

And we don’t belong to the elite society but we do know a few and are friends with them.

She doesn’t know how to dress up, she’s not just off fashion but she’s also doesn’t know how to pair her clothes, which makes her look like a typical province girl. I’m not trendy nor am a fashionista but I do know how to mix and match my clothes. I know what is acceptable to the community and to the eyes who are fashion enthusiast.

She can’t speak english fluently in fact you would have to be resourceful with her carrabao english, you have to have someone to translate some words for you so you’d understand her. I’m not boasting about my capability to speak english fluently because I still have my flaws but at least I’m sure that my english is comprehensible.

She’s fat, not really that fat but she isn’t skinny like me. I try to maintain a body that’s acceptable to the public. So I would not be mocked. She’s got a pretty flawed skin; she’s got scars all over her body. Well I got some flaws too but not as much as hers. It seems like she was left all by herself back when she was still young that’s why she got all those scars.

She has a pretty bad under-arm odor which you could smell whenever she’s sweating. Okay so we could all smell bad whenever we sweat but we could avoid that if we use deodorants and all those stuff that could lessen or stop that odor.

She’s untidy, seems like she doesn’t know how to groom herself. Okay so everyone’s busy with their lives but I don’t think that we should forget how we look. No matter how busy we are or no matter situation we are in we should at least keep ourselves neat for further situations.

She’s naïve to technology though they’re thought how to use computers and their school is updated with the latest technology it seems that she has not grasp the idea of them and of how to use them. I don’t know how to use all the latest gadgets and others because I have laid my hands on them yet but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know they exist or their use.

She can’t play any musical instrument nor can she sing. She has a pretty bad taste in music. I’m not really good in playing the piano and guitar but at least I could play them properly. I don’t have that really nice voice but I could sing. And I’m not biased to any genre I just don’t like those songs that are senseless.

And most of all she is a gold digger. She doesn’t go out with my ex without letting him spend or asking something from him. In fact she has one of my ex’s cellphone with her. It’s not like she doesn’t have one because that’s how they started but because her phone is out dated she asked for his phone. And other stuff like his bling. She made him buy tons of stuff that are on the latest trend so that she could be accepted by the elite. She’s trying to get close with our good friends and pushes herself to be part of the group.

You see there are those things that makes me better than her. There are those things that tell me why I should not be insecure of her nor should I be jealous of her. But then a part of me is saying she’s better than me. Because if I was better then he would have chosen me over her. This is my dilemma, for 4 months now, I have been telling myself this stuff, yet my heart doesn’t rest. For thought I shouldn’t be I’m jealous of her because she has the man I love, the man whom I gave my heart and soul to but the he replaced me with her. So yes there is still something to be jealous of her and that’s her having the man I love in love with her.

I’ve been with him for a year and 6 months and moving on is not that easy, in fact I’m still stuck. It all started with a simple attraction, we met through a friend who happens to be his ex. We were on our way to a concert and he showed up intending to join us. That night then I noticed that he was good looking and right there, just like any other girl I had a crush on him. I never thought that I would see him again because I was busy with my therapy but then technology does prove to be useful. After that concert we exchanged numbers, and messages for quite sometime. The next thing I knew I was home and was celebrating our town’s cultural festival with him. I had no intentions of going serious with him because during that time I was still in love with my ex of whom I just broke up with. But you could never tell what would happen next for before I knew it I fell for him. I tried to stop myself from falling for fear of being hurt again but my friends cheered me on and told me to give him a chance.

Though anxious I took the risk I loved him with all my heart. I gave him everything I could give with no exception. I sacrificed a lot for him, I gave up everything leaving nothing for myself. He was everything to me, my world revolved around him. There was no day that I did not fear losing him, he knew this.

He loved me more than I have asked of him, through his ways he assured me that he would never break my heart, and that he would never leave me. He promised me it’ll be us together until we grow old, he promised me that we’ll reach our goals together, he promised to stay beside me no matter what, he promised me forever. But so much for his promises, so much for the words that broke my heart and killed my soul. Just like a bubble it all popped away that quickly, leaving me lost and broken. I almost killed myself when we broke up but I was saved by those who love me, they showered me with love and helped me stand up again. But their love was not enough, I need his love.

I had my future planned and in all of it he’s there. It’s been 4 months now since he left. It’s been 4 months that I’ve been trying to move on and erase him from my heart. It’s been that long since I’ve been fixing my life, renewing my plans. But it’s not that easy for he dominates my heart and mind. I tried to run away from him and everything that reminded me of him yet my efforts were fruitless. Though I was thousands of miles away from him and was well aware that he already has a girlfriend, all I could think about is being with him. I spend hours fantasizing that we’re together again, day dreaming about things that could have been. Then I wake up weaker, aching, dying of sorrow and weeping endlessly. I cry until I end up falling asleep yet he haunts me even in my dreams. And so even in my dream world I weep, I could not escape him.

I tried not to think of him much, and in that I’ve been successful for I busied myself with extracurricular activities. For a couple of weeks there I thought I was fine and that the wound has finally closed but once again I was wrong. The day I feared came, I was called home. On my home everything flashed back, leaving me pondering about my stability. There was no turning back I was already on the bus and was halfway home I could only head forward. Just when I reached the gate of our subdivision every longing came back, every memory of him came back and everywhere I looked there was a memory of him. But that was not all of it. The next day I saw him with his new girl and that worst part of it I had to bear seeing him loving her. I didn’t want him to notice that I have not yet moved on. I acted cool though every part of me was bleeding, though I felt like being crushed and wounded deep down to my core, though I felt like I was slowly dying. Though my soul was tormented that it was losing its grip, with all my might and with all my love for him I keep my pain to myself and showed him a content and cheery girl. I exhausted all my strength that night just to keep my cover from being blown. And when the night was over I was weaker than I had ever been in my whole life, even breathing was too much for me. For a night there I died. I was only home for the weekend so I was glad to leave the town the next day.

Back in my sanctuary there I broke down, wept and released it all out. For then over the weekend I have proven that I was not yet fixed, the wound has not yet healed and I was still in love with him. Because of that I promised myself never to go home again not unless I have moved on, not unless I could assure myself that I will not again be hurt once I see him and that the longing to be together with him is no longer there. I doubled every single work I had to do just to keep myself busy. Yet time seems to run so fast for after a couple weeks I was once again heading home for the holiday.

I had no idea how to celebrate Christmas with a broken heart, with a heart yearning to be loved once again by the one who broke it. My 2 weeks break was booked with parties that should keep me busy and away from him. But I never had the satisfaction that I was looking for, I could never laugh the way I did while I was with him, I was never that happy, the more I tried to enjoy myself the more I felt a part of me missing. It was the first yuletide in my whole life that I was gloomy, I may have been to parties with real good friends whose company I enjoy and I may have received all the material things that I was asking for, but that did not suffice my desire to be with him again. I was surrounded with good looking men but I had not the enthusiasm that I once had for men. They were all nothing but ordinary men to me I was not attracted to any of them. I then welcomed the new year with a hole in my heart and a hollow soul.

The breaks over, it’s time for me to go back to my sanctuary, time for me to try to fix myself once again and live a life that’s worth. But I’m out of strength, what I’ll do next I don’t know, I just want to take a rest from this. I’ll be running once again, where I’m heading I don’t know, but I have to get far, as far as I could, to a place where he would haunt me no more. So I could fix myself and when I see again he’ll find a better me, not a girl who is a total disaster, a wreck.

I put all my hopes up that somewhere near the finish line he’ll be there. That’ll be my motivation to take a step further. How I’ll get through this, what will become of me, where I’ll end up,who’ll I be with, I don’t know and don’t want to know if in the end the answer would be me, without him. If such would be the case then I’d rather cease to exist than be in this world. For I see no future without him, he’s all I need in this messy life I got. I’ll be hitting the road once again I’m frail but I’ll try to find strength to live to be able to keep my promise.

I promised him I’ll be waiting for him until he gets tired of the game. I’ll wait for him to come back to me. He said he would be back someday, when he’s all grown. I know it’s foolish to believe him and to keep my promise but I gave my word and though he broke he’s promises I’m going to keep mine. I’ll be waiting and only will I bring to an end myself inflicted misery if tells me that he won’t be coming back. Then I would depart from his world, leaving behind my love for him and everyone else. I love him that much and every second away from him is killing me, giving me pain that never ends. How I wish for him to be come back to me soon.

Not another jerk

Before the yuletide season I met a strange guy of whom I became friends with. I had the chance to observe him and judge him based by his actions because we go to the same gym and we have the same schedule in going there. I spend almost 4 hours with him in a day. We don’t talk much, just a couple of minutes of conversion a day was enough for me to tell what he was up to. But I was a playful girl and he was good looking, so I played a game with him.

For weeks of flirting with him, he reciprocated and the day came when he finally made a move. But I wasn’t onto giving up to him that easily, so I gave him a hard time. I told him to play a game with me, it was a simple game but had too much to risk. But I was willing to take the risk to test my emotional stability. That was unreasonable and unacceptable but still I wasn’t stop by my frightened heart and my mind which says I will lose. I was like playing with fire then, and consciously I knew I was going to be burned.

So here is the game, he was to make me like him more and I do the same. The first one to give up first loses, if he wins he gets me, if he loses he won’t have me, simple as that. Sounds easy right? But apparently it isn’t, so here’s the catch. That game is actually making me fall for him and I making him fall for me. If I lose I break my heart. Why? Because I would make him win the game, a desperate move but that would mean that he didn’t fall for me like how I wanted it to be. If I win then I get what I want, love. For I wouldn’t then be forced to make him win just for him to stay, rather I could continue my game until we get to something better.

After a week I came to realize how foolish was I to start the game but then I was falling for him already and keeping it was becoming hard. So I started my desperate moves for the game to be over soon, yet it seemed like they didn’t work not a single sign of additional affection did he show. I ran out of patience and so I gave up. Told him he lost but then we both knew that it was I who lost. After a couple of arguments I gave in and accepted my loss. I was dismayed by my loss but I was surprised with what happened next. I was ready to give in to him, so I’m all his. Yet he told me he was not claiming his reward. It was taking advantage of me and he was not a jerk to take advantage of me. He maybe playful but he knows who to play games with. And I was not one of those girls that are just for fun. I deserve a nice guy and be treated well. I then have been proven wrong of what I thought of him, he was another jerk up the street like how I use to think of him to be. Rather, he is a prince that is a pretty good catch.

I then learned that I was not yet ready. I was not yet stable and strong enough to face another storm. I was still weak, so weak that a blow of the wind could blow me away. I was lucky.

It started all right,

In my dark world you were my light;

You brought joy in my heart,

Never thought we would part.

You promised with you I’d never cry,

Guess that was just a lie.

You promised you won’t play around,

Now what do you call that hound?

You promised you won’t give in to temptations,

Now why are we in this situation?

You promised no one could break us apart,

But how come now you’re making a new start?

You promised never ending joy,

Now I feel I was just your toy.

You promised only I have your eyes,

Believing you was unwise.

You promised you’ll never give up,

Yet on your list I’m no longer on the top;

You promised you’ll never tell a lie,

It turned out it was all just a lie, now I know why.

You promised I’ll be your wife,

Yet now I’m out of your life.

You promised never to leave,

But you did; now I have no reason to live.

You promised you’ll always be mine,

Yet now I’m out of the line.

You promised I’ll never be hurt,

So what do you call this blood on my shirt?

You promised me forever,

How come it has turned to never?

All these promises you broke,

Erased with just a single stroke.

Where did I go wrong?

How did it suddenly end?

What happened to our song?

Why did it stop playing?

Is there no way to fix things?

Do I have to start living alone?

Does this mean goodbye?

Can’t we give it one more try?

Are you really gonna throw it all away?

Will you still come back?

Where did all your promises go?

Were they just lies?

What will I do now?

Where will I go?

Without you I’m lost,

Won’t you come and save me?

Was that all that we could be?

Should I start wring a new story?

Won’t you love me once again?

Does this really have to happen?

I want you back, will you come?

I need you would you come?

I love you, don’t you feel the same?

Won’t there be “us” again?